Amy and I had an awkward married moment this week that I’ve been thinking about a lot, so I decided to share.  It all started Wednesday around 5:45 PM when Amy started to get dinner ready and I went to mow the grass.

The time line is important so I’ll put it in sequence so you see it…

  • 5:45 PM – I started mowing the grass.
  • 6:00 PM – Amy came outside and said she needed to run the store and get a few items for dinner.  She took Sage with her to the store.
  • 6:15 PM – I finished up with the yard and Amy wasn’t home yet so I decided to reorganize the garage.  My motivation to do this is both selfish and selfless, I’ll explain.   Selfish because I wanted more room for my weight equipment.  Selfless because I wanted Amy to have be able to park in the garage with the confidence that she will not be attacked by wasps.  Although I had other motives, I was trying to help my wife.wasp
  • 6:40 – Amy returns home from the store while I am reorganizing the garage.  I help her get Sage out of the car, explain what I’m doing and that I’ll be inside “in just a bit”.
  • 6:45 – Amy begins dinner.  I am still reorganizing.
  • 7:00 – Amy is cooking dinner and watching Sage while I am still cleaning in the garage.  I come in to grab something and see Sage being a little fussy while Amy is stirring dinner on the stove with one hand and feeding Sage with the other.  I get the sense that I’m needed inside rather than in the garage, but as I mentioned earlier, I am “helping” my wife by eliminating the wasps nests in the garage, so I say as I’m opening the door to the garage, “I found 3 wasps nests so far, I’ll be in just a few minutes.”  Thus, in my mind, I’ve reassured my wife that I’m doing the right thing at the moment and continue with my work.
  • 7:15 – I finish up in the garage and come inside for dinner.  We dine at the dinning room table; Amy is sitting with Sage in her lap because I am dirty from yard/garage work.  We make eye contact.  She isn’t happy.  I know why, but I seek to explain myself: “I’m sorry, I was cleaning up the garage so you can park and not be in danger of wasps.  I’m helping you out.”  (Remember, this is partially true ;) Amy responds, “But that’s not the kind of help I needed at that moment.“
  • 7:30 – Finish up dinner and conversation.  I apologized for my actions and Amy understood I was trying to help her in some capacity, but not the way she needed at the moment.
  • 8:00 – Put Sage to bed then hung out the remainder of the night.

REFLECTION

First, it is possible to do the right thing at the wrong time, thus making it the wrong thing.  I had my own reasons for reorganizing the garage, but I did want to make Amy happy.  And she will be very happy when the car is in the garage instead of the sun or when she parks in the garage and no wasps attack her.  Part of fulfilling Philippians 2:3-4 is timing.  Don’t forget that husbands.

SO WHY DID YOU WRITE THIS?

I wrote this because situations like these cause more trouble than one realizes.  In my example, I tried to help out my wife only to find out that I wasn’t helping her at all so I felt like I “can’t do anything right even when I try.”  And Amy felt like “doesn’t he know that I need help inside with our daughter and not a clean garage!”  The danger comes when couples do not communicate what is going on by either ignoring the issue or it escalating into an argument.  Wives feel misunderstood by their husbands and husbands feel under appreciated by their wives.  If it goes undiagnosed next thing you know you’re saying to your self, “he doesn’t understand me at all” and “she doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her.”

SOLUTION

Song of Solomon 2:15, “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.”

Hunt down those “foxes” before they get to the vineyard.  Talk to each other so that unmet expectations do not turn into dangerous feelings of doubt.

Happy hunting.